Author: Peg

The boxfish must be hard to get down. It is a really FAT fish. Unlike puffer fish – that are all full of air… boxfish maintain their shape with bones. Kind of like the difference between the Goodyear Blimp and the Hindenburg.

(The heron is not in full adult plumage. I’d guess it is nearly 3 years old.)

On my day off – I made two trips to the post office to mail a Xmas package to my office. There was an altercation underway on my first trip. Carlton and I are famously averse to altercations. Life is too short for unpleasantries. Especially if some one might “Go Postal”.

I went to MickyD’s for an Egg McMuffin and picked up some sushi for my dinner. I broke out my wetsuit today and went for a nice leisurely swim. An altogether fine day off.

I don’t know if this link will work – but here is a nice article from the Post about being a cadaver at Georgetown. Try it.  That is where Carlton is so supposed to be. Waiting for his turn on center stage.

Carlton, they are still fussing over you in AA. I know you would be saying “principles not people”.  I am not fussing over you very much. I still wear my wedding ring. I imagine I’ll wear it until I die. I may have “something” done with your ring when I get home. There will be no Carlton shrine in my home. The Carlton shrine is in my heart.

I may not be fussing over you, but I miss you like crazy. Especially all the time.

 

I was a little depressed this afternoon. Again. I think is is because it was cloudy. Which made me decide to not go for a little swim. I was hanging out on the pier with my camera – when – the sun came out. I quickly returned to my room, suited up and went for a little swim. And felt much perkier. So, the lesson here is – be careful on cloudy afternoons and go for a swim – no matter what. The ocean seems to be important to my mental health.

Tomorrow is Thursday – and my “scheduled” day off. Last Thursday was Thanksgiving and I went to a luau. That is not the time to take off exercising. Any how, tomorrow will be a day off exercising. Instead of heading off on a 5 mile brisk walk at 0-Dark hundred – I’ll put the right lens on the camera and go looking for the night heron.

Note to Carlton: I have gotten rid of all the stuff you had stored/stashed here in Kona. Your “Palace box” went to Billy per your directions. I put your slippahs out for the homeless. Most of your clothes had seen better days several years ago and I really don’t want to see your shirts on our homeless population – so, your clothes went into the trash. That is where they belonged. Your snorkel gear was a big hit at the thrift shop. Who knew you had 4 snorkels and 5 masks? And, finally, I gave Ben your tools yesterday.

On December 1, 2012, Carlton was being a museum guard at a fancy fundraiser at his Palace. When he came home from the event he said “You know that bump on my chest? It ruptured.” That started my worrying. My campaign to get us back to Arlington ASAP to have that thing looked at. My attempts to convince Carlton that sensible people did not go in the ocean when they have an open wound. We didn’t get back to Arlington ASAP, he continued to go in the ocean. We ended up with metastatic squamous cell cancer and a raging life threatening infection. This ended with a massive amount of radiation to his sternum in December 2013. Which weakened his heart. Which is why I am a widow in December 2014.

And, I think it is why I am dealing “so well”. I had 2 years to get ready. The Merkel Cell Carcinoma was just a bonus cancer that showed up in the spring of 2014. If the heart attack hadn’t gotten him the Merkel was waiting to nail him sooner not later.

I found this picture today. I was wondering if the fundraiser was taking place this year. I went to the old website and it was abandoned. But, surprise – there was a picture of Carlton on the header banner. They used a 2012 photo to advertise the 2013 event. There is no 2014 event.

The black crowned night heron that we call ‘Auku‘u is the same night heron that is found in North America. It wasn’t brought here. It is one of the birds that were blown here.

Hawaiian proverb #1812, “Kohā ka leo o ka ‘auku‘u,”  – “The voice of the ‘auku‘u is heard to croak,” and referred to “…a snooping gossip. The ‘auku‘u bird lives in the upland and goes to the lowland for fish, often snatching them from people’s ponds.”

I feeling a little “down” this afternoon. Maybe because it is cool and cloudy. Maybe because Carlton is dead. Maybe just because. Maybe I am just bored. Must remind self that sometimes I felt like this when Carlton wasn’t dead. Anyhow, the camera and I went down to the pier. I removed the plastic lens that and put real glass on the camera.

Gotta have a little talk with myself and blast myself out of this funk. Think more about others and less about Peg’s issues. Go to yoga tomorrow morning. That should get things going in the right direction.

I figured these fine old cars deserved a little vintage post processing. They show up every Saturday AM for breakfast at Splasher’s Grill. This photo was taken with the plastic fisheye lens. I have fine Leica glass – but I have more fun with the plastic lens.

A couple of photos from the Old Airport on Friday –

These two photos were taken with real glass.

Got thru November as a widow. Well, in 6 hours I will have made it. All things considered, I liked September heaps better.

I did not rouse myself sufficiently to go down to the pier to see the crazies in person. Yesterday was swim 6.2 miles. 6.2 miles is a long f-ing way to swim in the open ocean. So, most of the swimmers had a canoe following them for safety and refreshments. The fastest swimmer was done in 2 hours and 31 minutes. The slowest 5 hours and 12 minutes. After that – the crazed ones hopped on bikes and rode 90 miles. Mostly uphill. They took the night off and this morning headed off on a 172 mile bike ride. The survivors will run back to the village tomorrow – that will be 52.4 miles. There are 38 folk, male and female, doing this. Believe it or not, this event is in it’s 30th year. And, it is by invitation only. Sorry, I know you all wanted to do this.

I am not optimistic about the Xmas shopping season. I was on my walk today when I passed Wal Mart. Well, I was hot so I decided to take a few laps around inside Wal Mart to cool off. The lines for checkout seemed manageable – so – I picked up some Woolite for my yoga togs. When I went to checkout there were at least two checkers actively looking for customers. This should not be happening.

You know Carlton, the idea of moving out of Northern Virginia is starting to wander around my brain. Or getting a studio unit at the old ladies asylum – so – I’ll have more travel money. Except for a nice comfy reading chair, I have everything spacewise that I need right here in this hotel room. But, we knew that all along. Where would I move? Honolulu, Portland, Seattle, Key Largo, Paris, Pago Pago?? Do I have to actually live anywhere?

Went out to the Old Airport Beach this morning to ponder life without Carlton. This morning wasn’t as bad as some Friday mornings.

Mostly, I pondered – what would I have done if I got another few minutes with Carlton. Not much actually. I would have told him that I loved him more than life itself. I would have assured him that I would be OK. Not great but OK. And then I would have said – Carlton, you have a free pass to the next level – so get going while to going is good. We had no unfinished business between us.

Sort of slipping into Hawaiian spiritualism along the beach, I pretend that rainbows and beach glass are little manifestations of Carlton’s lingering spirit. No beach glass or rainbows today. But, Kumu Keala Ching had three of his students practicing the pahu drum. The drums were today’s message from Carlton.

People ask me “When did you lose your husband?” I didn’t not lose my husband. I lost my cell phone earlier this week. I was careless. I found the cell phone. I was not careless with Carlton. I did not misplace him. I did not leave him on the bus. I did not lose Carlton. No amount of retracing my steps, searching, or putting a “Lost” notice in the paper will return Carlton to his place among the living. Carlton is not lost. He is just dead.

I “cooked” today. Rice in the rice cooker. Some fine ahi (yellowfin tuna) wrapped in spinach in the microwave, and a tangelo. Have leftovers too.

Kalua turkey, kalua pig and cabbage, kalua ham – I got that later, veggies, more veggies, purple sweet potatoes – I got more when I went after kalua ham, and rice. Plus apple pie. This being Hawai’i “dinner” was served at 11AM. Not a problem.

I had a fine time. And was very well fed. Came home. Napped. Went for a swim. Read the paper. Guess want? There is absolutely nothing at the black friday sales that I need or want. But, I had to look.

Note to Carlton: Remember – for years you told me about something you read regarding an elderly man of ample means started out every day with $100 in his wallet. And he gave himself permission to use that $100 on anything? You admired that concept, but could never bring yourself try it. I tried it on a weekly cycle. I definitely spent more money. Because I didn’t agonize over every expenditure. I was more generous to others and to myself.  I am going to give it another week and another $100. Sort of an allowance for Peg.

Gratitude: I have been recording things that I am thankful for all day. It is 6PM. My list has been going since 6AM. So, I have twelve hours of gratitude.

Air conditioning, turtles, good coffee, tangerines, dead tree newspapers, the chance to correct past mistakes, comfy shoes, new friends that take care of me, waves, sunshine, family be they ever so distant, dolphins, old friends that support me, kalua pig and cabbage, apple pie, avocados, swimming in the bay, indoor plumbing, whales, trashy novels, my fuzzy gray shawl, naps, beer, chocolate…

The hotel treats me like family. The problem is they treat me like family. So, I get drafted to decorate the Xmas tree. I complain but really like doing it. Even when I have to run or rather walk quickly to Ace Hardware for more trimmings. The picture is of the tree, before I went to Ace for “more”.

After the tree was pau, I had Thanksgiving potluck with the staff. No turkey, stuffing, cranberries or pie in sight – but everything was yummy. Local kine stuff. Noodles, pork and cabbage, pickled Japanese salad, teriyaki chicken, etc.  The desserts were all of the Asian gummy sweet rice variety. But, unfortunately for my waistline – I like gummy sweet rice concoctions. I thought that was going to be my Thanksgiving – and I was good with that.

However, this afternoon I got a call from one of Carlton’s AA buddies and he asked me if I wanted to go to the AA Thanksgiving Luau at the beach. The idea of 150+ AA people armed with plastic forks and paper plates is pretty scarey. Carlton always avoided the event. But, somehow, I think he would want me to go. So, I’ll be there.

I am grateful that the hotel treats me like family. I wouldn’t trade my little hotel room for the finest beach front condo.

I am grateful that I found a nice yoga instructor. Who pushes me a little while trying to protect my elderly body parts. (Yes Carlton, I am spending “your” money on yoga. I know I have an app for that.)

May everyone have a peaceful, joyful and tranquil Thanksgiving.

 

 

The Surprise: I was getting ready to delete this image – when SURPRISE – I saw the gecko peeking out of the flower.

Serious gratitude today. Grateful for Granddaughters. Especially the oldest grand, who is 22 today. Grateful that they are still part of my life. Thank you Carlton – for granddaughters.

More serious gratitude. Yesterday, I took a big old plastic storage box – about as big I can carry to the thrift shop. Well, I tossed my purse in the storage box along with the rest of Carlton’s stuff. At the thrift shop – out came my purse – but my antique cell phone stayed in the box. Last night a 10:30 I discovered the cell had gone missing. I looked all over the room and lanai. I called it using Skype. No joy. I was grateful that Carlton was not around to criticize. At about one AM – I realized that the phone was most likely in the plastic box. Well, after yoga – another private class – I walked to the thrift shop – and there it was. My beloved antique G2 clamshell just makes calls phone was there. I am not as lame as that phone might make me appear. I have a sweet iPad Mini with a 3Gig/month data plan. I have separated the “smart” and the “phone”.

Going out to dinner tonight at 4:45. So, I left out my “second breakfast” and moved lunch forward. I will definitely be ready to eat early this evening.

Those of you who are Carlton’s AA friends know all about Gratitude. I think it is an AA thing. Or at least a Carlton AA thing. No matter what the problem – for Carlton – gratitude was the answer. I used to tell him “I am not in AA. I am a civilian. I don’t have to be grateful.”

But, here it is – Thanksgiving Week. I’ll think about gratitude for a few days. I might even BE grateful.

Feeling a little superficial today. So, superficial gratefulness

Grateful to be here in Kona where you call 324-BEER for your thanksgiving day dinner.

Grateful that today I got the next to last load of Carlton’s Kona stuff to the thrift shop this morning. I only have a few tools left to take.

Got an email from the management of the Arlington apartment telling everyone:

“If you are hosting and cooking this Thanksgiving here at Virginia Square, please check your oven to make sure that it is working properly… If you are having any issue, please report it to us no later than tomorrow so that we have time to fix it before Thursday.”

I guess cooking Thanksgiving dinner is going to be interesting for some of my neighbors. Might want to remind them to take the giblets out of the bird too! Oh, here is another one:

Grateful that I am NOT cooking Thanksgiving Dinner. EVER again. 324-BEER.

Grateful that it is nice and peaceful at the Kona Seaside. That is why I like Kona in November.

Today I had my 10,000 steps all wrapped up by 8AM. So, I did laundry. That added more steps. After that, I went to the beach for a while. Had leftover rice, tomato, pepper, sausage thing for lunch. Had a nap. And went back to the beach for photos

I decided to make a little movie with my camera. I compressed it beyond recognition.

A friend wants me to help him figure out how to edit his GoPro videos and put them on YouTube or somewhere. So, I figured I should play around with video.

Goodnews. I seem to have regained my ability to read. After Carlton died, I found it impossible to read a paragraph from start to finish. The very lame West Hawai’i Today helped me. The paragraphs in it don’t challenge. Today I downloaded The Sunday Washington Post – the dead-tree image version. And, I read entire articles!