Addendum: Things are not really this bleak. Things are going to work out. Things always work out. At this instant, I don’t have enough facts to be this bleak.
Warning: Way too much information follows. Nothing says you have to read it. In fact I’d advise you not to. But, this is my way too public diary. And this is how I feel. Scroll down at your own risk.
Okay, I was a bad wife. I did not escort Mr C to the Big Cancer Doc’s office this morning where a “little” office procedure was planned. He didn’t want me to come. And I didn’t think it was going to happen. I thought the doc would tell him to get an MRI or CT Scan.
Well, was I ever wrong! OH, nothing happened. Apparently the doctor poked at the lump. And said “It seems bigger than it was on Monday.” This can not be good. He pokes around the arm pits and finds a big lymph node. Doctor says this wasn’t here 10 days ago. This is even worse.
Doctor says – we need to get you a PET Scan and get the lump and the lymph nodes out of you soon. And the “maybe” radiation. Carlton apparently says “stop”. I don’t want to hear this. I am not doing this. I am not afraid of dying. The doctor convinces Carlton to at least do the PET Scan and the surgery.
The doctor says “you have a very rapidly progressing potentially metastatic process” going on. How much worse can it get.
Doctor says, I’ll turn you over to the scheduler. So, a PET Scan was scheduled for Monday. And, surgery for next Friday. Carlton – being rather depressed – comes home.
By the time Carlton gets home – less than 15 minutes – the doctor has said that next Friday is too long to wait. So, surgery is on tap now for zero-dark-hundred hours on Tuesday. The doctor will go down to Radiology and look at the results of the PET scan before he goes home on Monday.
Okay. Now you know all that I know. Now, we just deal with it.
That strange man, he is my whole world. As self sufficient and independent as I may appear… He is a long lifeline that lets me run madly about – knowing that I am safely anchored in his practical reality. I face a dark future.
But, until then, I owe him my best. And that means, no fears, no tears. At least none that show.