Seven Weeks

Thoughts about fear.

Seven weeks and one day ago, the only thing that I feared was how I would manage Carlton’s final days. We all know how that worked out.

But, I wasn’t afraid of anything else. Because, with Carlton’s help, I figured I could deal with anything. Carlton was afraid of two things. One of his fears died with him. He passed his other fear on to me. I can not do anything about this potential mess that Carlton left me. Suffice it to say, I’ll be seriously pissed if this fear/worry develops into a real world problem.

Which brings up my fear, just one. Managing my own final days. Now, mind you, I am not planning on leaving anytime soon. But – nobody is promised tomorrow. Who will do for me, what I did for Carlton? Nobody, that is who. I know there are people who care about me. But, lots of them are as old as I am or older. So, I have to set up an “institutional” Peggy Management Team. It needs to be waiting in the background. Ready to spring into action when required. Unfortunately, moving to an old ladies asylum is a part of the solution. And, a question that needs to be addressed is: Do I want to move to “death with dignity” state. Carlton was considering a move to Washington state.

Anyhow, what I am afraid of is being sick and frail and trying to deal with the mess that being sick and frail entails. And, if Carlton’s luck passes on to me – and I die suddenly of cardiac arrest – I want my affairs to be all nice and tidy. And my possessions minimal. Not that it will matter one bit to me. Because, I will be dead. But, I like tidy. I don’t want my last thought to be “Oh shit, I didn’t pay the estimated taxes”.

Notes to Carlton: You have been gone for seven weeks now. Mentally, I am well into acceptance. But, my heart is still in denial. You can not possibly be gone.

Hey, do you remember Mitch, the one legged pigeon? The feathered kind, not the AA kind. Mitch the one legged pigeon that you would chase off our lanai last winter when you believed I wasn’t watching. Well, Mitch is still around. Looking pretty good too.

Good news: Today, US Air finally allowed as how they would refund the money for your plane ticket. Thought you might like that.