November – Thankful

That was one hell of an October! Glad that it is over. Didn’t get out to take in the Halloween festivities. This old woman was zonked out by 8PM.

Had an interesting moral challenge this morning. I was trying on shorts at the local Hospice Thrift Shop. There was a $100 bill in the pocket. Nicely washed $100 bill. All crispy clean…

Long plane rides are a good time to reflect. In first class that is. In steerage – the only reflections are along the lines of “When the F is this F-ing flight going to end?”

I made these notes on the way for DCA to PHX.

Well, I am typing this at about 9AM – flying to Kona. Four weeks ago, today, I had already said goodbye to Carlton for the last time. I told him that I would see him, not later than 1PM because, I knew he was having company that afternoon.

Well, did he ever have company that afternoon. Fortunately, he died pretty. Maybe some day I’ll post the picture of him – all nice and dead. Of course, I took a picture. I am a photographer – that is what we do. But, frankly, he didn’t look all that different than the way he looked when he was napping.

I have been reflecting on grief these last four weeks. Why am I “doing so well”? 

• Since Dec 2, 2012 – I had seen the end coming.
• Carlton, got the message big time in early April of this year. 
• We had a long good-bye. We just missed a formal final good bye. No loss really. We had said everything that needed saying.
• So, no “closure” issues. No guilt. No, if only I/we had.
• Carlton and I have a wonderful life together. He was an integral part of my life. Indeed, he was my life and I believe – I was his. And, that did not stop when he died. He is every much the center of my life today as he was 4 weeks ago. I don’t really see this changing. It might but, I don’t see that happening. Carlton is still around. I just can not see him anymore. He has moved to a parallel universe. He is like a sailboat that has sailed past the horizon. He is still here. I just can not see him. 
• How was that last dot point for serious denial, boys and girls? Hey, it works for me and is a darn sight cheaper than grief consoling. 
• Carlton always made me feel like I could do anything that I wanted or needed to do. (As long as I still had time to take care of him, of course.) That is a great gift. Well, that isn’t 100% correct. He made it clear that my car driving left much to be desired!
• Carlton did the planning to help me with the his transit to the next level and my ultimate move to the widow level.
  • He left me with a tidy income stream.
  • He disposed of all letters from girlfriends, former wives and my mother-in-law. 
  • He gave me permission to get rid of all of his stuff. Except the sword, the chrome plated bolt and his little steam engine. 
  • Which means I can get rid of The Desk. AKA – the Arc of the Covenant. Every time we moved that thing was a problem. And, it is so everything bad about mid-1960’s middle class decor.
  •  He extracted a promise that – when my lease ends – April 27, 2016 I will move to a continuing care retirement community. Honoring this promise  will set me up for a much easier “old” age. 
• I had my “important” volunteer job at the Hospital. That provided structure for me. I didn’t have to wake up every morning as ask “What am I going to do today”. In Kona – that will be a question every morning. And there is a heck of a lot less to do in Kona. We’ll see how well I do there. Stay tuned. 
• Somehow, I think that for me, the fact the our lives were so intertwined make the fact that he is gone less painful. Because we were/are so intertwined he is still with me. Still a part of me. We were each slightly damaged individuals – together – we could pass for normal. And, since Carlton is still a part of me. I can still pass for a normal person. Just a smaller, tamer normal person. 
• So, we had a great life. And, while I am allowed a few moments of grief – which Carlton would consider self-pity – my main goal is to continue as Carlton would have. Enjoying. Life. Every. Single. Day.