Halloween – Day 6 of 31

I just put the news on for the first time since Carlton died. How do you watch the news without someone to discuss things with? Guess, I’ll figure it out.

Want to make it perfectly clear that Mr C did not commit suicide. Goodness knows we have no problem with suicide. But, Carlton just wasn’t smart enough to commit suicide with drugs. His heart simply stopped.

Carlton was a 41year member of Alcoholics Anonymous. AA was the most important thing in his life. The AA symbol is engraved on his wedding ring. I felt it was important for me to go to the his “regular” AA meetings, the meetings that he had been attending for 30+ years. It wanted to thank AA for keeping Carlton “sane”. I drafted one of Carlton’s AA regulars to take me to the meetings. It was good, really good for me. And, I don’t think my presence harmed AA either.

Thinking. I am thinking that the way I organize and run my life over the next few days will sort of set the tone for my next level. I am not sure what this means, but I am pretty sure it is important.

Thinking. I was worried. Why am I not prostrate with grief? Why haven’t I sought out a bereavement support group? Why don’t I feel particularly bereft? What is wrong with me? I love Carlton more than life itself. I think I am OK because I worried about Carlton every single day since December 1, 2012. Somedays more, somedays less – but always worry, fear, concern.

Baseball. The team is down by one run. I am on 1st. Carlton hits one out of the park – so all I have to do is hit the bases. So, that is what I have to do – don’t screw the after death stuff up. Which is way easier than managing a “Slow Death in Family”.