Damn

The end is near for tulip magnolias
The end is near for tulip magnolias

Damn, just when I get all over confident and feel sure that I have got the widow business down pat – then bam – I get hit with a day like today when I feel totally bereft without my best friend forever. When I realize that I will never see him again. Except when he comes back from Georgetown Medical School in a coffee can. Days when dashing one’s self one’s husband’s funeral pyre seems like a good idea.

Don’t worry, I am not really suicidal. Just not handling alone too well today. Guess I should turn on the TV, find some golf or a nature show and just pretend that Carlton is sitting in his chair watching TV. I can ask him “what do you want for dinner” and he’ll say “any little thing”.

Ah, got a show about grizzly bears on the TV. Now, I’ll just read. I am reading the old Robert Heinlein kid novella Have Space Suit Will Travel. And, in a while, I’ll make myself some dinner. Any little thing.

And tomorrow by tomorrow, I’ll be out of this funk.

That’s One Done

Screen Shot 2015-04-18 at 5.54.34 PM

Last Saturday, I was feeling bad about my lack of progress downsizing/getting through Carlton’s stuff. So, I made a little mini-2do list. And I started on one of the messiest places. The stuff that I just piled on spare bed. It was sort of a take to Goodwill staging area. Well, I took to Goodwill. If I had a car, it would have been a no brainer. But, that stuff had to get to Goodwill by feet and bus. Gave me more time to focus on how tedious “stuff” is.

before
before
after
after

Before and after shots. That isn’t all Mr C’s stuff. I put some of my stuff on the pile too.

And, I know, I really need to address the stuff that is on the floor.

Went on a scouting mission to the asylum this morning. The asylum had a shredder truck on site today. And, I had shredding. I indulged in a second breakfast there and made a real point to visit with the residents. I asked one of the inmates to share my table. I really am trying to “fit in”. Honest. BTW – Breakfast was fine.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

One of the finest things about digital photography is the histogram. I have been using digital for over 15 years, but have more or less ignored the histogram. I am trying to learn to use it before I take the picture.

Happy 80th Birthday, Mr C

scan0812
In Tahiti – ca 1985

Carlton and I never celebrated birthdays. But, we had a lot of good times. Everyday was a celebration – especially during our last years together. The “enjoy every sandwich years”.

Speaking of sandwiches. I made myself a fine sandwich for lunch today. I sauted a little chicken with some pineapple. Added a little really good balsamic vinegar. And a bit of smoked gouda cheese. Stuffed it into pita bread with some lettuce.

Lovely spring day today. 85 degrees.

Anemone
Anemone

Nice – No Progress – Day

early dogwood
early dogwood

A nice day. Worked a little longer than usual this morning. And, decided to take the rest of the day off – off from any de-acquisition activities. I went for a walk instead. Just a walk. Didn’t take anything down to the thrift shop. Total day off from de-acquisition.

I am getting used to my widow life. I have sort of divided my life into 3 phases:

BC – Before Carlton
CE – The Carlton Era
AC – After Carlton

Before Carlton, I had a little house. And a housekeeper. I was the yardperson. I cut the grass on “Major Summer Holidays”. That would be Memorial Day, 4th of July and Labor Day.

During the Carlton Era, I had a little house. And a housekeeper. And Carlton became the yardman. When I sold my house, I retired my housekeeper and Carlton took over as housekeeper.

After Carlton, I am now the housekeeper. And, I think I am falling into the “Major Summer Holidays” schedule for housecleaning.

When I move to the asylum, they clean once a week. Now, that is a reason to look forward to moving to the asylum.

One really shouldn't use a macro lens for sunrise shots. But, I am pretty lazy at o-dark-hundred hours.
One really shouldn’t use a macro lens for sunrise shots. But, I am pretty lazy at o-dark-hundred hours. Click for a larger view.

Wednesday

Yellow Tulip Magnolia
Yellow Tulip Magnolia

No, Peg has not been messing around with Photoshop. This tulip magnolia is sort of yellow/brownish. According to the owner there are folks who have been developing a yellow tulip magnolia. This one is one of the failures. But, it is pretty cool.

Chicken Skin Time:

I don’t know how well this imbed will work. It is the sort of thing that makes me love Hawai’i. You all know that I am totally non-religious. The is no supreme being. But, sometimes, there is power. Or as it is called in Hawai’i mana.

No that is not a glee club. It is just a bunch of Hawaiian guys who dance hula. They dance better than they sing. They were the overall winner of this year’s most prestigious contest.

Rain. More Rain.

Jaws Selfie - No Stick
Jaws Selfie – No Stick Required

Rainy today. Guess this these are the april showers. Hope we get the may flowers.

Never mind that Carlton kept me around for “cold nights and rainy afternoons”. I think that rainy afternoons are a gift from the goddess. The gift of a nice long nap.

Forever. An interesting concept. BFF. Forever young. Forever stamps. Forever 21. A dead husband really is forever. He isn’t coming back. He isn’t going anywhere. He is forever dead. Guess that is just a variation on nothing is certain except “death and taxes”. Nothing is forever except death and taxes.

Enough thinking already!

 

Monday.

Tulips
Tulips

Got out my Asylum 2Do List this afternoon. I decided to start with “Stuff on bed in Carlton room”. That “little” item isn’t going to be finished all at once. I loaded myself up with as much as I can carry. And took it down to the Goodwill. At least one – most likely two more trips to the Goodwill for the stuff piled up on the bed.

I could ZipCar or Uber a car load of stuff. It would get the job done quicker. But, there is is something therapeutic and focusing about walking or bussing the stuff out. I wondered why did Carlton have 10 never worn ball caps. And who needs 12 bungee cords. Actually, who needs any bungee cords? They are pretty dangerous.

The stuff I took down wasn’t all Carlton’s. I contributed a jacket to the load.

While lugging the stuff to Goodwill – I thought about “Remove everything that isn’t essential”. Back in film time – we tried to do this when we made images. I am not sure we still pay attention to that little saying when we push the shutter. I’ll try to put that care back into photo works. And, I shall try to apply that to my current de-acquisition activities.

Here we have those tulips - with all the un
Here we have those tulips – with all the unessential stuff in play.

Think that this last weekend was a turning point in my “recovery”. Except I am not recovering from anything. Widow isn’t a disease that one gets over. I am starting to feel a little more in control of my life.

More Shooters

Yep, nobody actually looked at the cherry blossoms.
Yep, nobody actually looked at the cherry blossoms.

Had a good day. Looked at pictures with old friends.

Thought about my lack of progress issues from yesterday. I thought about some of the tasks and divided them up into bite size chunks. I’ll just pick a chunk and work on that chunk until it is completed. And completed means totally done. Anything that will not be moved to the asylum will be out of this apartment. Either to recycle, shredder, trash or donated.

Starter 2Do List
Starter 2Do List

This is a starter list. There is a bunch more to do – but, this is a start.

In the last 6 months I seem to have lost 2 lens caps. I know I lost one at a memorial service in Kona. I lost the other one last week. It was a 72mm one. And, I haven’t a clue where or how. So, I ordered some cheap lens caps from BH Photo. BH Photo is open today. One never knows when BH Photo is going to be open around any Jewish holiday.

Dinner Time: Avocado, tuna, egg salad sound good and I have all the ingredients.

Shooting the Shooters

When the cherry trees bloom, every camera in DC gets dusted off.
When the cherry trees bloom, every camera in DC gets dusted off.

I decided that I would leave the big glass at home and just use the cheapass plastic 9mm lens. I had a fine time – shooting f8 and don’t be late old school. I took pictures of people taking pictures.

Starting to feel bad/guilty/whatever about not “accomplishing” anything. Maybe not actually finishing anything. So, I had to give myself a little talking to. I did finish the taxes. Mine and Carlton’s. I did get my will, power of attorney, health care proxies all completed. And, I did all I can to get the move to the asylum underway.

But, I have made ZERO visible progress as far as getting Carlton’s stuff disposed of. And getting my stuff downsized, disposed of and otherwise set for the next stage of my life.

I have lots of things started. But, nothing finished. Think I have to make some sort of action plan or schedule. I really want everything all done by Halloween. Because that is when I go to Hawai’i. Ideally, when I return from Hawai’i – I’ll schedule some movers. And move into a desirable apartment at the asylum. That is Ideally. Reality might be seriously different.

Note to Carlton: I was missing you this afternoon. So, I put the Masters on TV. It is like you are right here in the living room. Watching golf on TV. OH, yes, your college year book is going out with the recycling tomorrow. BTW – It is available on-line as a PDF. So, nothing at all is lost.

Note to Readers: My college days did not include yearbooks. I wonder, do colleges still have yearbooks? And if so, why so?

CALM, THINK, ACT

Tulip Magnolia
Tulip Magnolia

Another cold, damp, chilly day. Nevertheless I took the camera out.

Carlton had several half used National Park Service Notebooks. The inside cover had “THE TEN STANDARD FIREFIGHTING ORDERS”. I rather like #5. It seems like a really good way to run your entire life.

5. Be alert, keep CALM, THINK clearly, ACT decisively.

And I need all those things. CALM, THINK, ACT. I can try to do this.

This is the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. The day we found out that Carlton had Merkel Cell Carcinoma. Go Back of April 10, 2014

Found out that I am #7 on the wait list for a 347 sq foot studio apartment at the asylum. There are 11 studios. One might show up. Unless one of the current residents is running out of money, I can not imagine I’ll lose by position to a current resident.

For the other apartments I range from 21 to 70 on the wait lists. And, I imagine I could be bumped by a current resident for some of them. As I mentioned yesterday, getting an apartment seems to be a bit of a game. But, 347 sq ft would require some real major downsizing. Or a storage unit.

Cold, Damp, Cloudy – Still

Winter Aconite - and  -PostProcessing.
Winter Aconite – and – PostProcessing.

Another dreary chilly day.

Book Report:
The Unfaithful Widow: Fragmented Memoirs Of My First Year Alone by Barbara Barth. I am pretty sure I wouldn’t recommend this book to a “normal” widow. But, I am enjoying it. The author is a lot like me. Just a little bit younger. Her husband was sick – but he died suddenly. She bought herself a 1979 Corvette. I’ll not do that. But, I can understand doing that. She says that she was a lot like her new used Corvette – She was much loved and well cared for by her pervious owner.

Today’s decluttering – Carlton had lots of notebooks. (So do I). I was looking through them before pitching them. At some volunteer job or the other Carlton’s responsibility must have been to “Turn Off the Computer”
IMG_0495

It sure wasn’t my computer. I’d never have asked him to do something that “technical”.

I also found his Library of Congress Reader’s Card. It was one of his proudest possessions. He loved having it.

Cold, Damp, Cloudy

  

Today, I worked on my stuff. I found the 16 foot long 40th birthday “card” from Carlton. It touts my skill at biking, hiking, and “amorous activities”. I think I’ll save it and hang it up on my 80th birthday. 

Today I did everything I can do to facilitate my move to the old ladies asylum. I told them that I would take any unit that  becomes available. Except about 10 units that cost more than I choose to pay. Once you get inside, you can swap apartments. If, when, I get to the top of the list and they offer me a unit I can say “no thanks”, but I stay on top. However, any one who is already inside is automatically put in front of all of us on the outside. It’s a game and I like games.