Author: Peg

Note to Carlton: You always did the dishes. I didn’t realize that I don’t like doing dishes. Not one bit. Thank you for washing dishes for all those years. This also means I need a dishwasher in my old lady asylum! I didn’t know that was a requirement. Live and learn.

SO – Today – I declared it No Dishwashing Day. Heck, I even nuked my oatmeal in a paper cup this morning. Cheese and tomato and avocado sandwich on a paper plate for lunch and Lean Cuisine on tap for dinner.

I have developed at daily routine that works for me for now. I try to knock off my 10,000 FitBit steps in the early morning. I can swing by the grocery towards the end of the walk. Or go to Target or Walmart if I need to. Then at 8AM I can go across the street to yoga if I want a yoga class. Or I can fire up the yoga app. I figured out that walking has to precede yoga. That is it for fitness.

After the fitness part of the day – I work on any “widow woman paperwork”. Or just general stuff that needs attention. If nothing needs doing, I take pictures, read, or just wander around town.  By and by, it is lunch time. Most days, I try to cook something for lunch. Yesterday I made something with rice, tomatoes, pepper and Portuguese sausage in the rice cooker.  After lunch, I am making myself take a nap every afternoon. And finally, I take myself out for a little walkabout from 4 to 5 PM. And, then I am in for the evening. Most days, I sneak a nice leisurely swim in there somewhere as well.

The major focus of today – taxes. Sort of a little scouting mission into the 2014 returns. I still have 4 or 5 weeks to take some corrective actions. I just have to figure out what they are. I plan on moving more of my financial management to my money guy. He is an essential part of my Peggy Management Team and I want to test him out while my brain still functions on most of its cylinders.

Speaking of the Peggy Management Team – Carlton was interested in moving to an “assisted suicide” state. Seattle, Washington to be precise. I would also consider Portland or Eugene Oregon. I might make a field trip to the Pacific Northwest to check out old lady asylums next summer. Or not.

The plastic fish-eye lens was on my camera again today. I love that silly lens. Seems wrong to put a plastic lens on a big bucks body however. But it is just fun to use.

Thoughts about fear.

Seven weeks and one day ago, the only thing that I feared was how I would manage Carlton’s final days. We all know how that worked out.

But, I wasn’t afraid of anything else. Because, with Carlton’s help, I figured I could deal with anything. Carlton was afraid of two things. One of his fears died with him. He passed his other fear on to me. I can not do anything about this potential mess that Carlton left me. Suffice it to say, I’ll be seriously pissed if this fear/worry develops into a real world problem.

Which brings up my fear, just one. Managing my own final days. Now, mind you, I am not planning on leaving anytime soon. But – nobody is promised tomorrow. Who will do for me, what I did for Carlton? Nobody, that is who. I know there are people who care about me. But, lots of them are as old as I am or older. So, I have to set up an “institutional” Peggy Management Team. It needs to be waiting in the background. Ready to spring into action when required. Unfortunately, moving to an old ladies asylum is a part of the solution. And, a question that needs to be addressed is: Do I want to move to “death with dignity” state. Carlton was considering a move to Washington state.

Anyhow, what I am afraid of is being sick and frail and trying to deal with the mess that being sick and frail entails. And, if Carlton’s luck passes on to me – and I die suddenly of cardiac arrest – I want my affairs to be all nice and tidy. And my possessions minimal. Not that it will matter one bit to me. Because, I will be dead. But, I like tidy. I don’t want my last thought to be “Oh shit, I didn’t pay the estimated taxes”.

Notes to Carlton: You have been gone for seven weeks now. Mentally, I am well into acceptance. But, my heart is still in denial. You can not possibly be gone.

Hey, do you remember Mitch, the one legged pigeon? The feathered kind, not the AA kind. Mitch the one legged pigeon that you would chase off our lanai last winter when you believed I wasn’t watching. Well, Mitch is still around. Looking pretty good too.

Good news: Today, US Air finally allowed as how they would refund the money for your plane ticket. Thought you might like that.

First thing I saw this morning when I headed out to get a paper is this nice fat roach. Earlier this week I found one in my bathroom. Also dead. Makes you sort of wonder what sort of stuff they spray around here to make those big guys dead. Chemicals or monster live roaches?

After picking up my paper, I stroll around the luau grounds. And, I spy this fine pua’a getting ready to go into the imu. Actually, I think he will be dinner for some other luau. The timing is such that the piggie can not get from the imu to the buffet line. A bunch of turkey also went into the imu. Guess they are laying in turkey for the Thanksgiving luau. I sort of have a “on your backside” theme going here. So..

So, I’ll end this on your back series with a young woman taking in the sun.

How did my “day off” go. It went great. I only walked 3.75 miles. My FitBit keeps trying to get me to walk some more. But, I refuse to be ordered around by a Lifesaver sized chunk of pink plastic. Well, at least today. Tomorrow, I’ll be I good little FitBit slave.

I wandered down to MickyD’s for an Egg McMuffin. I adore Egg McMuffins. That is sort of my dirty little secret. (Carlton’s dirty little secret was his love of Janet Evanovich books.) I indulged myself with an Egg McMuffin and a “senior” coffee. The cashier tried to talk me out of the $4.25 Egg McMuffin – the Sausage McMuffin was on sale for a buck. But nope. I insisted that I wanted the four times more expensive traditional version.

Next, I stop in the thrift shop where I left off Carlton’s snorkel gear on Monday. Four masks and three snorkels. They were gone already. So were his rubber booties. So, all that stuff has been put to good use. I’ll take all of his “slippahs” – that is flipflops to you mainlanders – and leave them where the homeless can upgrade their footwear. Then one more trip to the thrift shop and I will have taken care of all of Carlton’s Hawai’i stuff.

And, I never leave a thrift shop empty handed. I bought a nice orange silk glasses case with a funky frog clip. A dollar.

I read, went for a nice leisurely swim, talked to Gunther – the widower that the hotel put in the room next to mine. Gunther and his wife Helga came here for 4 weeks just before Christmas for years. A couple of years ago, Helga died of some fast moving cancer – but Gunther – like me – returns. My day off was so fine that I intend to take every Thursday off.

And I sat on the seawall – where I found a fine honu.

I think I’ll take tomorrow “off”. Walking 5 miles a day, plus an hour of yoga every day is starting to wear me down. Nevermind that my FitBit sent me a message last week that said I have walked 1,000 miles since late April. I am over 70. Maybe I should cut me some slack?

Today, I was the only student at yoga class. $10 for a private yoga class, not bad. The teacher cut me some slack. She took her regular class down a notch or two. But, I am still dog tired tonight. I logged 6.5 miles on the FitBit. Hence – day off tomorrow.

Had Tempura Shrimp Sushi for lunch today. It was most excellent. Think I’ll have avocado and something for dinner. Avocado and egg? Avocado and beer? Avocado and rice? Avocado and tuna? Avocado and salsa?

Started my 10,000 step quest from the pier this morning. Interesting sunrise.  Then I headed off to the old airport beach to shoot mongooses.

There are usually lots of mongooses hanging out. Except when I come looking for them.

I was pleased when I downloaded the images and saw the 3 pointy white teeth. They live in what looks like a little “prairie dog town” at this park.

The mongoose was introduced into Hawai’i in the 1880’s to control cane field rat. Cane field rats are nocturnal – our mongooses are sound asleep at night.

Feral cats, chickens, mongoose, all manner of plants. The old airport beach park is a haven for non-native even invasive species.  I know I shouldn’t like all these non-native flora and fauna. But, I do.

Laundry today. I took Carlton’s snorkel gear to the thrift shop. And, I got a couple more t-shirts from the thrift shop. I never leave a thrift shop empty handed.  Hardboiled eggs in the rice cooker. And sort to researched and thought about things financial.

I feel bereft. I lost my best friend. My safety net. My personal cheerleader. My financial adviser. I lost the person I talked to. The person who was my “next of kin”. The person who understood me better than I understand myself. Bereft.

And, I am a little scared about the future.

Getting ready to spend the morning going to yoga and doing laundry – The phone rings and it is an invite to go up country for an afternoon of polo.

In 1872 Eadweard Muybridge used photography to prove that when a horse gallops – all feet leave the ground at the same time.

Had a gaint plate lunch – the sun was shining. Then it was time for the polo to start. And this being Hawai’i – the rain and fog came in.

It was chilly, well actually cold. But, I had enough clothes. The best part was listening to the announcer make up the action – we couldn’t see the players because of the fog.

Laundry – tomorrow.

Free day of hula down at the Sheraton. So, after doing my 10,000 steps – I hopped on the tourist bus and rode the 7 miles south to take in some of the show.

After a while, I bussed back home and took a nice nap. Somehow, I missed lunch. So, I had a banana and a strawberry mochi. And what you may ask is a strawberry mochi. Needless to say it is a local (and Japanese) thing. They are a bit of an acquired taste. I bought them at the hula event.

To my cooking friends. This is how they are made. Strawberry Mochi And the brownish stuff is not chocolate.

Food is expensive here. My work friends and I eat lots of yogurt. Chobani costs from $1.59 – $2.29 at the supermarkets. Those Dannon and Yoplait yogurts cost from $1.29 – $1.59 at the same supermarkets.

Since I missed lunch. Dinner is early this evening. I made up a rice cooker full of rice, chicken and spinach. I heard it snap off about 10 minutes ago – so – it is time to eat.

Walked along the sea wall out to the old airport this morning round about the time that I came home from work to find Carlton had taken his game to the next level.

A bit pensive, a little sad. There was a school class at the old airport beach. A couple of the kids came over to me and offer me bananas. The love and warmth of Hawai’i may melt the Ice Fortress that has stored my heart in for the last two years. Carlton was more concerned about the affect of his illness on me than he was concerned about himself. So, I put my heart into an Ice Fortress, like Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. Maybe it is time to let my heart out. Or not.

There was this little rainbow that I could see on my walk. It wasn’t a big and glorious traffic stopping rainbow. It was a tiny little rainbow. Maybe it was a sign showing me that I will be OK? Maybe I have been out in the sun too long if I believe that!

Enough of all this transcendental babel. It is time to round up some dinner.

 

Woke up to rain, which gave way to a lovely sunrise and a trip to the top of Kaloko road. It is maybe 6,000 ft. Nice and cool. Then breakfast at Denny’s – 940 calories. And, a nice walk to help counter the Denny’s breakfast.

Then, I was sort of overwhelmed. Six weeks ago today, Carlton was alive. Six weeks ago tomorrow, Carlton was dead. I’ll never see him again. He’ll never tease me about falling asleep in my chair in the living room again. Or bug me to turn off the lights. Or read me my horoscope in the morning while he drank coffee. Or ask me to cut his hair. Or just talk to me. He was my whole life. Especially, the last 2 years.

But, If he were here… Carlton would say: “Do you have a safe place to sleep tonight? Did you have enough to eat today? Is your health OK? Well, then you are better off than half the people on the planet. So, get it together. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” I am trying, honest.

But, when I look thru the viewfinder – I forget everything. Carlton said that tennis did that for him. Tennis lasts longer than peeking thru a viewfinder.

Now the Old Hilton has not been a Hilton in over a quarter of a century. But, can we be bothered to learn what it’s name is now – not a chance.

The first large waves since I have been here came in today. I took some practice shots. The surf conditions were poor as were the photographs.

Went to a party this evening. And, I am going up a mountain tomorrow morning – weather permitting. I have turned into a real party animal. This is a case of “Carlton would want me to…” He expects me to get out and do stuff with other people. Never mind that he didn’t want to do any of those things while he was still alive. Don’t analyze it – just do it.

One of Carlton’s friends came by the hotel at 6AM this morning and we took coffee and bananas to the old airport to watch the sunrise. When I got out of his truck at 8AM back at the hotel – two of the long time hotel maintenance men give Carlton’s friend the stink-eye. I guess they got the wrong idea about why I was getting out of a man’s truck at 8AM. Indeed they were rather cool to me all day. I suspect that last year Carlton had asked all three guys to “look after Peg, if I don’t come back”.

I used the little plastic fisheye lens again today. It wasn’t the best possible lens for this afternoon’s shooting.

While I was at the old airport beach with Carlton’s friend – who I guess is now my friend – Billy this morning – I decided to save beach glass that I come across. Sort of as a way to remember Carlton. Beach glass isn’t very common around here. So, I’ll be lucky to come up with 30 pieces in 4 months.