Author: Peg

Rainy today. Guess this these are the april showers. Hope we get the may flowers.

Never mind that Carlton kept me around for “cold nights and rainy afternoons”. I think that rainy afternoons are a gift from the goddess. The gift of a nice long nap.

Forever. An interesting concept. BFF. Forever young. Forever stamps. Forever 21. A dead husband really is forever. He isn’t coming back. He isn’t going anywhere. He is forever dead. Guess that is just a variation on nothing is certain except “death and taxes”. Nothing is forever except death and taxes.

Enough thinking already!

 

Got out my Asylum 2Do List this afternoon. I decided to start with “Stuff on bed in Carlton room”. That “little” item isn’t going to be finished all at once. I loaded myself up with as much as I can carry. And took it down to the Goodwill. At least one – most likely two more trips to the Goodwill for the stuff piled up on the bed.

I could ZipCar or Uber a car load of stuff. It would get the job done quicker. But, there is is something therapeutic and focusing about walking or bussing the stuff out. I wondered why did Carlton have 10 never worn ball caps. And who needs 12 bungee cords. Actually, who needs any bungee cords? They are pretty dangerous.

The stuff I took down wasn’t all Carlton’s. I contributed a jacket to the load.

While lugging the stuff to Goodwill – I thought about “Remove everything that isn’t essential”. Back in film time – we tried to do this when we made images. I am not sure we still pay attention to that little saying when we push the shutter. I’ll try to put that care back into photo works. And, I shall try to apply that to my current de-acquisition activities.

Think that this last weekend was a turning point in my “recovery”. Except I am not recovering from anything. Widow isn’t a disease that one gets over. I am starting to feel a little more in control of my life.

Had a good day. Looked at pictures with old friends.

Thought about my lack of progress issues from yesterday. I thought about some of the tasks and divided them up into bite size chunks. I’ll just pick a chunk and work on that chunk until it is completed. And completed means totally done. Anything that will not be moved to the asylum will be out of this apartment. Either to recycle, shredder, trash or donated.

This is a starter list. There is a bunch more to do – but, this is a start.

In the last 6 months I seem to have lost 2 lens caps. I know I lost one at a memorial service in Kona. I lost the other one last week. It was a 72mm one. And, I haven’t a clue where or how. So, I ordered some cheap lens caps from BH Photo. BH Photo is open today. One never knows when BH Photo is going to be open around any Jewish holiday.

Dinner Time: Avocado, tuna, egg salad sound good and I have all the ingredients.

I decided that I would leave the big glass at home and just use the cheapass plastic 9mm lens. I had a fine time – shooting f8 and don’t be late old school. I took pictures of people taking pictures.

Starting to feel bad/guilty/whatever about not “accomplishing” anything. Maybe not actually finishing anything. So, I had to give myself a little talking to. I did finish the taxes. Mine and Carlton’s. I did get my will, power of attorney, health care proxies all completed. And, I did all I can to get the move to the asylum underway.

But, I have made ZERO visible progress as far as getting Carlton’s stuff disposed of. And getting my stuff downsized, disposed of and otherwise set for the next stage of my life.

I have lots of things started. But, nothing finished. Think I have to make some sort of action plan or schedule. I really want everything all done by Halloween. Because that is when I go to Hawai’i. Ideally, when I return from Hawai’i – I’ll schedule some movers. And move into a desirable apartment at the asylum. That is Ideally. Reality might be seriously different.

Note to Carlton: I was missing you this afternoon. So, I put the Masters on TV. It is like you are right here in the living room. Watching golf on TV. OH, yes, your college year book is going out with the recycling tomorrow. BTW – It is available on-line as a PDF. So, nothing at all is lost.

Note to Readers: My college days did not include yearbooks. I wonder, do colleges still have yearbooks? And if so, why so?

Another cold, damp, chilly day. Nevertheless I took the camera out.

Carlton had several half used National Park Service Notebooks. The inside cover had “THE TEN STANDARD FIREFIGHTING ORDERS”. I rather like #5. It seems like a really good way to run your entire life.

5. Be alert, keep CALM, THINK clearly, ACT decisively.

And I need all those things. CALM, THINK, ACT. I can try to do this.

This is the one year anniversary of the worst day of my life. The day we found out that Carlton had Merkel Cell Carcinoma. Go Back of April 10, 2014

Found out that I am #7 on the wait list for a 347 sq foot studio apartment at the asylum. There are 11 studios. One might show up. Unless one of the current residents is running out of money, I can not imagine I’ll lose by position to a current resident.

For the other apartments I range from 21 to 70 on the wait lists. And, I imagine I could be bumped by a current resident for some of them. As I mentioned yesterday, getting an apartment seems to be a bit of a game. But, 347 sq ft would require some real major downsizing. Or a storage unit.

Another dreary chilly day.

Book Report:
The Unfaithful Widow: Fragmented Memoirs Of My First Year Alone by Barbara Barth. I am pretty sure I wouldn’t recommend this book to a “normal” widow. But, I am enjoying it. The author is a lot like me. Just a little bit younger. Her husband was sick – but he died suddenly. She bought herself a 1979 Corvette. I’ll not do that. But, I can understand doing that. She says that she was a lot like her new used Corvette – She was much loved and well cared for by her pervious owner.

Today’s decluttering – Carlton had lots of notebooks. (So do I). I was looking through them before pitching them. At some volunteer job or the other Carlton’s responsibility must have been to “Turn Off the Computer”

It sure wasn’t my computer. I’d never have asked him to do something that “technical”.

I also found his Library of Congress Reader’s Card. It was one of his proudest possessions. He loved having it.

  

Today, I worked on my stuff. I found the 16 foot long 40th birthday “card” from Carlton. It touts my skill at biking, hiking, and “amorous activities”. I think I’ll save it and hang it up on my 80th birthday. 

Today I did everything I can do to facilitate my move to the old ladies asylum. I told them that I would take any unit that  becomes available. Except about 10 units that cost more than I choose to pay. Once you get inside, you can swap apartments. If, when, I get to the top of the list and they offer me a unit I can say “no thanks”, but I stay on top. However, any one who is already inside is automatically put in front of all of us on the outside. It’s a game and I like games. 

We interrupt this blog to wonder – WTF – is the Rand Paul Presidential campaign thinking? This is bound to be fun.

Now, back to an afternoon of getting rid of stuff.

It wasn’t hard to put keyrings on the Goodwill heap.

It was harder to put these in the trash. But, what would I do with them? Would I really want someone else to have to pitch them after I die. I think not. (I threw most of the sew on name tags out earlier. Now, I decided I don’t need to keep the two I saved.)

Oh, Carlton stored stuff in boxes in his desk, AKA The Arc of the Covenant, I was putting the old boxes in the recycle container, when I noticed that my name, old address and old phone number were written on the bottom of one of the boxes.

Tomorrow afternoon, I am going to the asylum to figure out a strategy for getting an apartment for me about this time next year. I may have mentioned there are about 200 people on the waiting list and about 30 people a year shall we say vacate an apartment.

Haven’t cooked dinner in a while. Think I’ll do that this evening. Stir fry some chicken and broccoli and tomatoes  – add some rice. Maybe season with some balsamic vinegar. And, I beer perhaps?

Didn’t do much (read: anything) as far as minimizing goes today. It was a nice afternoon – so, I took a load of my stuff down to the Goodwill. Took a couple of pictures on the way back. Watched baseball opening day on TV – that interrupted my nap and our Nats lost. Only 161 more games to go. I watch baseball in April. Then I check in around the All Star Game. Then I ignore baseball again until September.

Thank you Carlton, for insisting that we spend the big bucks for this super view. Well worth it. (The pictures are a little larger – click on them if you like)

Spent most of the day deacquisitioning. Carlton’s stuff isn’t hard. After all, he isn’t here to defend his stuff. My stuff – well – that is a whole different story. After all it is “my stuff”.

Carlton kept stuff because “We might need it someday” – yeah right – if we did need it we:

1. Wouldn’t remember we had it, or
2. Wouldn’t remember where we put it.

My problem is the Sunk Cost Fallacy. Like the madder shawl. Keeping the damn thing isn’t going to get my money back – it is a sunk cost. What part of sunk don’t I understand? BTW – the madder shawl made it to the Goodwill Mountain.

Carlton didn’t have a problem with sunk cost – because he never spent any money. But, boy did that man save crap. Today I found a tennis racket handle. Now, what was he going to do with that?

But the absolutely worst thing I found today was a “worn/used” adult diaper. Yes, he saved a used Depends. I can only hope that he is the one who wore it. No, it didn’t appear to have been, shall we say, soiled. But it had been worn. Women are supposed to be able to identify their mate’s dirty undies by scent. I didn’t try. I’ll trust science on that one.

It is still way too windy to photograph flowers. Heck, it is even too windy to photograph statues! Well, maybe tomorrow.

I worked on minimizing my lifestyle to today, albeit the apartment may not look like it. Minimalizing sounds much more trendy than Downsizing. Or even worse Rightsizing. But, SSDN – Same Stuff Different Name (polite form).

Mostly in pursuit of my 5 miles per day, I loaded up my grocery cart with some of Mr C’s clothes and took them to the Goodwill. News Flash: If you don’t go into the Goodwill Store, you will not buy any more stuff to replace the stuff you just dropped off. I went into the grocery store instead. Since I had my grocery cart I outfitted it with a 12 pack of Sam Adams.

I addressed some of my stuff as well. As best as I can figure out – I did about $1,500 of retail therapy during Mr C’s last 9 months. Most of that was for my fine new camera. But, there were some outright mistakes. Things like a madder shawl – it is nice enough. But madder is not a color that works for me. I must remind myself that sunk costs are not recaptured, ever. And keeping the madder shawl around just might make me madder. Isn’t English a fine language? Anyhow, a non trivial amount of my stuff ended up on the Goodwill stack mountain. Nope, I do not feel one tiny bit guilty about my retail therapy. Cheaper than a shrink I think and safer than drugs.

Note to Carlton: I found the Rolex. It was right where you left it, in your top desk drawer. Now, maybe I should get it cleaned and get it a new band and wear it myself???

First things first. Tomorrow Morning. 0600 hours EDT. Check out the total lunar eclipse on Slooth. Friends in the Pacific – check it out in person.

Friday, October 3, I came home from work and found Carlton dead. Very dead.

It has been an “interesting” 6 months. My new will starts out…”I am now a widow.” That is my new identity. It sounds so serious – Widow. I am no more serious than I ever was. You need a sense of humor to venture into the world of widowhood.

I have made progress. I didn’t suffer from grief that paralysed me. My grief took the form of hyperactivity. The enforced inactivity of Kona – Kailua Coma as a friend calls it – helped. I am almost back to my normal sloth-like self. Carlton was always our family Energizer Bunny.

I hope – really hope – that all the mephitic paperwork is done. Pretty Please. Dear IRS, please like Carlton’s Tax Return.

A new normal has been established. I learned how to clean the toilet. How to sort of run the vacuum. How to feed myself.

Big task ahead is getting myself to the asylum. Which includes getting rid of Carlton’s stuff and downsizing. But, hey, I downsized once. I can do it again.

Damn – Sarah Brady just died. She was only 73. Nobody is promised tomorrow.