Nobody is Promised Tomorrow. . .
These excellent flowers came on Friday. From my co-workers. Just lovely.
Cool, damp, cloudy, misty… not a good day for photos.
Got stuff ready to take to the lawyer tomorrow.
Carlton’s boss and wife from way back when we worked are coming over to take me out to dinner. I am going to throw down the Widow card and insist that they eat my food. Better on a cold damp night than tramping out to a restaurant.
A good day with the new normal. I poked around some of Carlton’s stuff. Fortunately, he told me to pitch everything without remorse. Just take care of the sword, the little steam engine and the chrome plated bolt and nut. I can do that. I found a bus sign, advertising Carlton Ciggies. It states the US Government declares that “Carlton is Lowest”. I might just have this thing framed. I’ll take it to the old ladies asylum. And, leave the rest of Carlton’s art treasures behind.
I had a phone consultation with a lawyer today. Have to meet with her in person soon.
Some of Carlton’s AA friends are organizing a Memorial Dinner at a restaurant. They must not know that Carlton disliked restaurants. That is why I fed him at home every lunch and dinner. Even when we traveled I fed him in the hotel room or along side the road. We ate a lot of canned tuna fish, apples and cheese back in the travel days. But he never complained. I may have complained.
Speaking of food. I cooked myself a real meal today.
Last Saturday, I didn’t think I would ever cook again. Well, I was wrong about that. Trying hard not to sink into eating Lean Cuisine every day.
It was/is chilly and rainy today. But not so rainy as I should miss the county’s twice yearly recycle event. I rolled Carlton’s bike plus a bag full of accouterments down to be recycled. The bike will be leaving for a new life in Costa Rico next week.
I discovered some people collecting clothes to go to Honduras. Carlton sort of had a 3rd world wardrobe as we all know. So, I came back home and gathered up all of his sweatshirts and jackets that I washed last week. And I took them down to be recycled as well. Also, the Lions were collecting eyeglasses. Guess who had a shoebox full of glasses. Some prescription, some just readers? Off they went too.
By the time I got back home the second time – my FitBit was happy and I was tired. So, I had Trader Joe’s Mac-N-Cheese followed by a nap.
Note to Carlton: Well, I hope my actions during my first week as your widow met with your approval. I did buy a DustBuster and you think they are a waste of money. But, you do want me to remove cookie crumbs from the rug don’t you?
And, I am going to lawyer-up to handle the paper work. I know you never spent a cent on lawyers. You handled your Dad’s estate yourself. But, I am not you.
I went to two AA meetings and drank two beers last week. I am not sure if these are related. And, I enjoyed the flowers that you sent me. Yes you. You, who never once in 35 years gave me as much as a dandelion. I understood and bought my own flowers. And thank you for never complaining about the money I spent of flowers over the years. You never bought into:
“If, of thy worldly goods, thou art bereft,
And from thy stores but two loaves
alone to thee are left,
Sell one & with the dole,
Buy hyacinths to feed the soul”
– Muslihuddin Sadi,
13th Century Persian Poet
On Thursday your broker sent flowers.
So, I figure these lovely flowers are from you, Carlton. Since they came from your broker. I put them down in the lobby after I enjoying them for a day or two.
It is much too quite around here – so – I am going to put some sports on the TV and pretend to you watching in the other room.
OK, I admit – this morning was a little grim. Everyday, I have been playing out a little “on this day last week we…” scenario. This morning was the last time we drank coffee, the last time we went to the bus stop, and then when the bus came – the only seat left was the one he sat in last Friday morning.
When I got to my office – our system was FUBAR. Some, I spent a couple of hours on the phone with my tech support guy, who was on the phone with his tech support guy… So, I couldn’t mope around.
While walking home from work, I decided that my period of hyper-activity mourning was over. I didn’t even try to cross anything off The List. I made lunch. I read a book. (The Janet Evanovich book that Carlton had on reserve at the library.) I realized that if the recycling is going to get taken out, I am going to have to do it. Did that. I made inquiries about an attorney. I took a nap. No frantic activity in Carlton’s desk or closets. Just a new normal afternoon.
I liked the old normal better.
Damn, I was doing OK, until I realized that a week ago – Carlton Enjoyed His Last Sandwich. Fish Fajitas. I’ll be having a meatloaf sandwich this evening. But, it will not be the same.
Have it mentioned that I miss him? That he really was my whole life. But, he will be really pissed if I get all mopey.
Wheels: I want to get rid of his wheeled transportation devices before the tires get flat. I will take his bike to Bikes for the World on Saturday. They will also take his never used bike helmets, spare tires, pump, gages, tools… It will take two trips. It is all down hill. I might ride the bike. I might put it on the bus. I might just push it. Then I can make a second trip with the accouterments.
Then there is the car. If I want a car – there are perfectly fine Zip Cars waiting for me to rent right outside my apartment. It costs $100 a month to park the car.
Didn’t make much progress on “the list” today. I feel like I am rearranging those famous deck chairs on the Titanic.
Take a little break from the Halloween theme. Handheld. From the roof of the building. It was lovely.
Made some progress on the Carlton Post Processing front. But, I spent a lot of time on hold. Talked to Georgetown Medical School today. They said that they would keep Carlton for 18 to 24 months. And, they wanted to know if they could keep his brain. Sort of like the “Abby Normal” brain in Young Frankenstein. Mr C would love it.
I hope they can figure out what went on inside that skull of his.
Today’s insight into Carlton.
Today, I washed Carlton’s jackets prior to giving them to Goodwill. I found the eyeglass lanyard in a pocket. Notice that it was repaired. The question is did he repair it because he could, or because we were in far North Dakota, or because he was too cheap to buy a new one? I think I’ll keep this as a charming insight into his Abby Normal Brain.
Carlton was watching a 3 part series about penguins on Public Television. The 3rd part is on tonight. I’ll turn the TV on. Dial in the penguin show. It will just like having Carlton here.
Time for Dinner 4 One. Maybe bean soup and a little bread. With some cheese.
Gee, post processing. That is what I am doing to Carlton today. I think I’ll be post processing Carlton for quite a few more days/weeks/months… I didn’t actually accomplish anything today. This could be a problem.
Carlton’s Desk: It is sort of like the Ark of the Covenant. I have been carefully looking in the drawers. I found his antique Rolodex. Nobody ever left his Rolodex.
And I found these:
I think these are name tapes that were sewed on Army fatigues. More better I could have found his DD 214. Not keeping these. They don’t take up any space. But, why??Maybe I’ll put one or two in my sewing box. I never saw these. I not am particularly attached to them. I promised Carlton that I would take care of his sword, his little steam engine and his stainless steel nut/bolt. We agreed that every thing else could go.
Carlton had a dirty little reading secret. He loved Janet Evanovich books. He had one on reserve at the library and became available today. I put it on his Kindle. I’ll read it for him.
OK, enough of this already. Time to go make Dinner For One.
I just put the news on for the first time since Carlton died. How do you watch the news without someone to discuss things with? Guess, I’ll figure it out.
Want to make it perfectly clear that Mr C did not commit suicide. Goodness knows we have no problem with suicide. But, Carlton just wasn’t smart enough to commit suicide with drugs. His heart simply stopped.
Carlton was a 41year member of Alcoholics Anonymous. AA was the most important thing in his life. The AA symbol is engraved on his wedding ring. I felt it was important for me to go to the his “regular” AA meetings, the meetings that he had been attending for 30+ years. It wanted to thank AA for keeping Carlton “sane”. I drafted one of Carlton’s AA regulars to take me to the meetings. It was good, really good for me. And, I don’t think my presence harmed AA either.
Thinking. I am thinking that the way I organize and run my life over the next few days will sort of set the tone for my next level. I am not sure what this means, but I am pretty sure it is important.
Thinking. I was worried. Why am I not prostrate with grief? Why haven’t I sought out a bereavement support group? Why don’t I feel particularly bereft? What is wrong with me? I love Carlton more than life itself. I think I am OK because I worried about Carlton every single day since December 1, 2012. Somedays more, somedays less – but always worry, fear, concern.
Baseball. The team is down by one run. I am on 1st. Carlton hits one out of the park – so all I have to do is hit the bases. So, that is what I have to do – don’t screw the after death stuff up. Which is way easier than managing a “Slow Death in Family”.
If you keep moving they can not catch you. Did a lot of stuff today. None of it really needed doing – but I did it anyway.
Most of what I did was in the kitchen. I have lots of stuff that I am not going to use before the expiry date. My support staff pointed out that there is a food drive right in this very building. So, I went thru my cupboards and filled up a shopping bag full. I am just going to feel less guilty if I don’t open my cupboard and see nice cans of New England chowder, bags of pasta, boxes of chicken stock staring at me. Not to mention a six pack of high-test Ensure. Down to the concierge they go tomorrow.
Had a nice visit – with dinner, beer, and chocolate chip cookies and friends.
Today I had the chicken salad sandwich that was on tap for friday. Sandwiches were better when shared with Carlton.
I am suddenly taken tired. Well, it is after 0930 – think I’ll trot off to bed.
Well, the adrenaline anesthesia of shock is wearing off. The bleakness of the future is setting in. Just came back from the grocery. Yogurt run. Will I ever turn on the stove again?
I spent most of the day at one of the proposed old folks asylums. That wasn’t bad. Got me out of the apartment for 5 hours. They fed me sausages and beer. And I went to look at about 10 apartments and visited with the old people who live in the apartments. Getting me settled into or at least pointed at an old folks asylum was one of the Carlton’s priority items.
So, as Laurent said yesterday – there are no APPS for real life. But, hey, I could make a new Gmail tag and tag all the incoming sympathy emails. Did that. I could back up my computer – because I am not myself right now. Who knows what will happen. Did that. And, I could dig the last photos I took of a living Carlton out of the recycle bin. Did that.
These are the last photos that I took of Carlton – Wednesday afternoon. He was coming back to the apartment after his afternoon bike ride and I was leaving on a little walk to make the FitBit happy.
Oh, and I found out that Carlton did play tennis yesterday morning and he won. Lucky guy.
But, to quote Carlton’s all time hero – Theodore Roosevelt’s diary entry on the day his first wife died
The light has gone out of my life.
Frankly, I thought there would be more time, I thought there would be more warning, I thought it would never happen.
Now it is real. He died peacefully – maybe while taking a nap – this morning. I found him at about 1PM. A friend came and stayed with me until Georgetown University came and took him away. He didn’t get under way until a little after 5PM. That was the only “bad” thing. Waiting for the hearse.
More after I collect myself. It was a shock.
Enjoy Every Sandwich: Chicken salad was planned. Think I’ll have a little chicken soup instead.
Damn this sucks – Is there an APP for this?
Today’s Farm Market – buy $10 of produce and get a free beer. And a damn fine beer it was. Gotta love that!
Crazy day at work today. Hey, that is why I make the big bucks.
Enjoy every sandwich: Fish fajitas. Not exactly traditional. But good.
And, another squirrel – my never ending quest to become a wild life photographer. Yeah. Sure.
