I know you remember this place, Carlton, you almost became a paraplegic here about 20 years ago. A body surfing accident. The kids still body surf here. The ocean is still nice and bath water warm. And the sand is still on the beach. The “Magic” is that the sand disappears in winter and comes back in the summer.
Had a good day today – widow woman paperworkwise. I think, I hope, I got everything that I need to do done with the Social Security Administration.
After finishing with the SSA, I planned a bunch of activities. But, I cancelled all the activities and enjoyed a leisure day. Late in the afternoon, I hopped on the Tourist Bus and when for a little bus ride. Took the picture of Magic Sands Beach from the bus.
Cooking: I “baked” a couple of apples from my big fruit basket in the rice cooker today. Tasty. Nice healthy comfort food. And, I made some hard boiled eggs in the rice cooker. Next trial will be hash browns and eggs.
Today’s flower image – also from the bus ride – is from the Orchid Tree, phanera purpurea. It is from India and could have some interesting medicinal possibilities.
The plastic fisheye lens is worth $90. It is tiny. A good “lens” to put on the camera when going walking. It is time to put some glass on the camera.
Note to Carlton: Interesting cultural observation. All of our local friends – almost the first thing they say is “He is not gone, he is still with us”. The Hawaiian line between being and not being is very fuzzy. It is assumed that we live on both sides.
The Hawai’i AA news letter came today – I almost deleted it. They gave you a nice shout out. Keep your ego under control. And, on Friday – the Daughters of Hawai’i are going to “remember” you at sunset. I ironed my white dress.
Went to a yoga class at 8AM this morning. I had to rest for the rest of the morning. If I plan on going to that class on a regular basis I have to get everything that needs done done before 0800 hours.
I mentioned getting a rice cooker. Today I made yummy chicken and rice in the rice cooker.
One measure rice
The correct amount of water
Put a layer of spinach on top of the water
Put about 8 ounces of boneless skinless Korean barbecue chicken on top the spinach.
Add a final layer of spinach.
Cook until the rice cooker kicks off.
The flavor comes from the ready to barbecue chicken from KTA. I ate half and saved half for tomorrow.
I broke out the little $90 plastic fisheye lens this morning. It will stay on the camera tomorrow.
I got yet another box of Carlton’s stuff today. He told me what to do with this box. But, I still want to look at it before I pass it on. I’ll do that tomorrow AM. I do things like that better early in the day.
A crop from a fisheye shot.
This shot is for you, Cliff and Lorraine. Don’t think St Mike’s will be ready for Christmas this year.
A couple of years ago, I did a series of images that the Chamber of Commerce wouldn’t want you to see. Might do it again.
In theory I am all “settled in” now. I acquired a rice cooker – it doesn’t get much more local girl than that. And, I am going through my normal shock at how much food costs. In a couple of weeks I’ll have forgotten exactly what I paid back home. But, at this instant, I remember all too well.
This being Sunday – that day that I always tried to cook a meal of “real ingredients” and not prepackaged, frozen, canned, or from the deli – I fired up the rice cooker and came up with this:
I cheated. I had a can of tuna left over from last year. So, I used half of it. But, the ingredients are real enough. As for food, I can not face one of Carlton’s beloved Spam Musubi. Maybe later. Carlton didn’t like sushi or poke. I love those – so, I can enjoy them without a problem. And, if feeling flush – sashimi. He didn’t like anything that wasn’t WELL done.
That was one hell of an October! Glad that it is over. Didn’t get out to take in the Halloween festivities. This old woman was zonked out by 8PM.
Had an interesting moral challenge this morning. I was trying on shorts at the local Hospice Thrift Shop. There was a $100 bill in the pocket. Nicely washed $100 bill. All crispy clean…
Long plane rides are a good time to reflect. In first class that is. In steerage – the only reflections are along the lines of “When the F is this F-ing flight going to end?”
I made these notes on the way for DCA to PHX.
Well, I am typing this at about 9AM – flying to Kona. Four weeks ago, today, I had already said goodbye to Carlton for the last time. I told him that I would see him, not later than 1PM because, I knew he was having company that afternoon.
Well, did he ever have company that afternoon. Fortunately, he died pretty. Maybe some day I’ll post the picture of him – all nice and dead. Of course, I took a picture. I am a photographer – that is what we do. But, frankly, he didn’t look all that different than the way he looked when he was napping.
I have been reflecting on grief these last four weeks. Why am I “doing so well”?
Since Dec 2, 2012 – I had seen the end coming.
Carlton, got the message big time in early April of this year.
We had a long good-bye. We just missed a formal final good bye. No loss really. We had said everything that needed saying.
So, no “closure” issues. No guilt. No, if only I/we had.
Carlton and I have a wonderful life together. He was an integral part of my life. Indeed, he was my life and I believe – I was his. And, that did not stop when he died. He is every much the center of my life today as he was 4 weeks ago. I don’t really see this changing. It might but, I don’t see that happening. Carlton is still around. I just can not see him anymore. He has moved to a parallel universe. He is like a sailboat that has sailed past the horizon. He is still here. I just can not see him.
How was that last dot point for serious denial, boys and girls? Hey, it works for me and is a darn sight cheaper than grief consoling.
Carlton always made me feel like I could do anything that I wanted or needed to do. (As long as I still had time to take care of him, of course.) That is a great gift. Well, that isn’t 100% correct. He made it clear that my car driving left much to be desired!
Carlton did the planning to help me with the his transit to the next level and my ultimate move to the widow level.
He left me with a tidy income stream.
He disposed of all letters from girlfriends, former wives and my mother-in-law.
He gave me permission to get rid of all of his stuff. Except the sword, the chrome plated bolt and his little steam engine.
Which means I can get rid of The Desk. AKA – the Arc of the Covenant. Every time we moved that thing was a problem. And, it is so everything bad about mid-1960’s middle class decor.
He extracted a promise that – when my lease ends – April 27, 2016 I will move to a continuing care retirement community. Honoring this promise will set me up for a much easier “old” age.
I had my “important” volunteer job at the Hospital. That provided structure for me. I didn’t have to wake up every morning as ask “What am I going to do today”. In Kona – that will be a question every morning. And there is a heck of a lot less to do in Kona. We’ll see how well I do there. Stay tuned.
Somehow, I think that for me, the fact the our lives were so intertwined make the fact that he is gone less painful. Because we were/are so intertwined he is still with me. Still a part of me. We were each slightly damaged individuals – together – we could pass for normal. And, since Carlton is still a part of me. I can still pass for a normal person. Just a smaller, tamer normal person.
So, we had a great life. And, while I am allowed a few moments of grief – which Carlton would consider self-pity – my main goal is to continue as Carlton would have. Enjoying. Life. Every. Single. Day.
I made it. Same room. Same view. Being here didn’t seem like such a great idea for the first couple of hours after arrival. We’ll see how I settle in.
The trip over was fine. I didn’t have any melt down because someone else was in Carlton’s seat. It is 6PM here. Big plan is to stay away until 8PM. And, things will look better tomorrow.
That is almost all of my support group. I could not have made it through the last 2 years without them. The photo didn’t turn out too good, because Silly Peggy didn’t set it on “Auto” mode before turning it over to an unknown shooter. But, It is the thought that counts. F2 was not the best possible f-stop selection.
Almost ready to go. Doing dinner out tonight – again. I have be come a party animal. Le Bon Ton Roule. The weather just came on – going to be cold and rainy here on Saturday. A good time to go home to Hawai’i.
Got a funky plastic cheap fisheye lens from BH Photo today. It might be fun to play with in Hawai’i. It was cloudy and rainy – so just a couple of snaps. And a little serious post processing. For the Halloween effect.
Carlton: You would laugh. I have a little carryon and my trusty backpack – stuffed with computer and camera gear. And a load of Widow Woman Paper Work. But, not one stitch of clothes. I will stuff a pair of rapid dry panties into a corner. I mailed my wetsuit and dive gear on ahead. With a couple of rash guards and old bathing suits. I always said that I would do this some day. Well, the day has arrived.
Last evening I went out on the porch to look for the launch of a private supply rocket headed for the space station. The rocket did not take off. The space station made a very nice lazy fly over. And, for some reason there were fireworks down Alexandria way. Altogether satisfactory outdoor viewing. This evening the rocket was schedule to take off again. It blew up on the launch pad. Not a really good day, if you were an investor in Orbital Science.
Saw the doctor this morning – she says all things considered my blood pressure is OK. I am to stay the course and come back in the spring.
For the first time – the mailbox didn’t contain any “widow business”. Just advertisements. Very Good.
You know, as much as I love Halloween… This really hasn’t been my favorite October. Last October wasn’t to good either. Not giving up on Halloween. Might give up on October.
I got the car almost gone. So, when I come back from Hawai’i I’ll not have to deal with 4 flat tires and a dead battery – and a $500 garage bill. And, the mail is taken care of. I may get my act to Hawai’i after all. Just trying to be sure that I either take or have a scanned copy of any paperwork I might need.
I really don’t need an iPhone. I don’t even want an iPhone. But, every fall – I have to tell myself this all over again. I have a good cell data plan for my iPad. And, I have my antique clam shell cell phone. It makes phone calls. It receives text messages – but it is a pain to text back. Can use the iPad for texting.
Had another “new normal” day. I didn’t go running around like a crazy woman. I read the papers. For the first time in three weeks I could actually read an entire paragraph. Kind of scary when you think of all those financial document that I have signed recently. Went to Trader Joe’s for no apparent reason. Went to the Apple Store and got a new back up drive. I am taking the Airness to Kona. And, it makes no sense at all to take the Airness and its only backup drive. Two TimeMachine backups are better than one.
Oh, and I went to Crate and Barrel and found a couple of chairs that I would like for my new apartment at the old ladies asylum. My chairs are approaching 50 years old. They a very low slung. And, I notice that more and more of my friends just can not sit in them anymore. It might be time to upgrade to more age appropriate seating. I will not get any new furniture until I sign on the dotted line for new digs.
And, I started downloading Yosemite. Remember. I have snail internet. I used to be able to take my LAN cable down and tap into the building FIOS LAN. Not anymore. And, the building wifi is as slow as mine is. I took my machine over to the library – library wifi is faster. But, it was still going to take 5 hours. Hanging out at the library for 5 hours wasn’t in my game plan. So, it is every so slowly downloading. Which will be fine – if it finished. Sometime tomorrow. I must confess, I do not know how fast wifi at my Starbucks is. I may treat myself to an espresso later this evening and finish the download off – if my store has been upgraded.
About the library. I don’t recall ever going to the library on Sunday. Sunday AM was always for kitchen cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping. In the afternoon – I would cook and Carlton and I would read the Sunday papers. He would watch sports on TV. But, this afternoon… I went to the library. It was stuffed with people. People using the computers. People using their own computers. People reading newspapers. People reading real dead tree books. Young people doing what looked like homework. If I die before I get my will redone, most of our money goes to the Arlington Country Library. And, from what I saw this afternoon – I couldn’t be happier. Government money, truly well spent.
UPDATE – Yosemite moving right nicely down at the Starbucks.
